A Room With a View and a Window To Hell
by navigated
Summary: "There's a crack in the edge of the end of the world,  can I lie with you in your grave , where I will sit with my love in this fluorescent swirl." \8059\


With a Room With a View and a Window To Hell

We thought we'd changed the future, but what the hell did we know? We were 15 and stupid. We woke up from some nightmare thinking we'd saved him, that in 10 years time he'd be with us and it'd be just like it always was.

We were so fucking stupid.

It's the weirdest fucking thing in the world to be 15 years old and to dedicate yourself to a life of crime. I mean, I guess was he did wasn't crime. He didn't have a deviant bone in his body. Sure, a lot of us did stuff he said he was ashamed of. But we killed because they had it coming, it wasn't a fucking turf war and it wasn't over money owed, it was because the fucker had it coming. There was always a reason, and it was always a just one.

It was kind of shitty that we had to do it though. I'd have shot myself through the head if he asked, so I guess it wasn't too hard on me. Baseball idi- Yamamoto. He had a problem with it. Tsuna hated to ask him. I could fucking tell it was breaking his fucking heart, but we all had to do it sometime.

"I can't do this, Gokudera" he told me, his stupid fucking grin wasn't anywhere to be found and his hands were shaking. It was pathetic to see him like that. "Not in a you make me sick" pathetic way in a "I've never felt bad for your stupid ass before" way. The idiot had given up baseball for this shit once he got it through his head that this wasn't a game. His old man died too.

Truth be told there wasn't much of that idiot left in him.

"Don't let me do this." He begged. He was begging me. Like I had anything to do with it. But he was going to cry. I could tell and I wished I could have fucking ignored it and pushed him out of the damn car. I should have. All I could do though was tap my fingers on the steering wheel, staring at the hood of the car out of the windshield. If anything it made him shut up. But it didn't make him get out of the car.

"Gokudera…" he's begging me again.

"Its your job. Just go do it." I'm still staring out the windshield.

"…I'm scared." And now I have to fucking look at him. Why's he telling me this shit, its not like 1) I can't fucking tell and 2) can't do a fucking thing about it. But he's staring at me like this fucking kicked puppy and there's nothing I can do about it. I should have fucking pushed him out of the car when I had the chance.

I was going to tell him that's too damn bad and he had a fucking job to do and he had to get his sorry ass out of the car before he lost his target. Then the asshole's got his arms around me and he's hiding in my fucking shirt.

What else am I supposed to do, he might be an idiot but I'm not fucking heartless, I just pat him on the head. Then because I'm a fucking asshole I just say;

"Go get 'em Tiger"

And he does. He comes back with his chin bleeding and blood on his shirt and he gets in the car and he doesn't say anything.

A man gets scars and he's different. Never said how he got the thing, or anything that happened after he got out of the car. Figured it wasn't worth asking. Just a regular slice and dice job. I thought he changed then, it was nothing after Tsuna died.

I guess to be fair I was a fucking wreck too. Like I said, we thought we'd changed the world and it wouldn't happen. I guess some shit you can't change. Maybe we'd been fooling ourselves the whole time, thinking we could just play this stupid fucking game and no one would get hurt. We didn't grow up at all. We were so fucking stupid.

He was just gone. He left and he didn't come back. I mean, what the fuck was I supposed to do? I'd dedicated my life to the kid and he just, was gone. It still leaves a bad taste in my mouth to admit that he's gone. Fucking sucks. Fucking sucks because I didn't know what to do with myself. I guess I had no fucking clue who I was outside of the mafia. Spent my teenage years being that pissed off kid who was too dedicated to see anything else. I guess that was my loss.

I don't' think I've fucked cried that hard. About anything. I hated that I was fucking crying, it wasn't like it was my life that was over (might as well have been) wasn't like we couldn't go on without him (we really couldn't) just. Fuck all. That stupid idiot should have hated me after what I did in that fucking car. I kind of wished he did, its easier to sit around and fucking feel sorry for yourself than admit that maybe shit can get better.

I wanted it to get worse because I didn't want to feel better. Really fucking mature, I tell you. I guess in a manner of speaking it did get worse, I was just fucking clinging to that idiot beating on his chest like he could fucking bring him back. He didn't say anything, which was a fucking first, he's just got this fucking cobra grip around my shoulders and he's just letting me cry like a goddamn girl into his shirt.

"What can I do?" he says

I start pushing at him, trying to get him the fuck off of me because I don't know what's goddamn good for me.

"Shut the fuck up. Let me go."

He's not having any of it, he's just pulling me back into his shirt where I can see my fucking tear tracks running down it and its disgusting and I need to get the fuck away from him because right now I hate the shit out of him. Like it was him that killed Tsuna.

"Tell me, Gokudera." When'd he fucking turn into mister sensitive? Jesus.

"Let me go, asshole." And I'm still trying to get away from him because he's not making it better (and he's not making it worse), I don't care if it makes me a fucking teenage girl that I just want to be alone and feel bad for myself but fuck if I can do that if the grinning idiot's got his fucking paws on me.

"I'm not going to."

I give up. He's just going to hold onto me, apparently there's nothing short of punching him in the fucking face that's going to change that and for once I just don't feel like it.

"He wouldn't want you to be upset."

"How the fuck would you know?"

"Because he was my friend too. You're being selfish."

"You're a fucking idiot."

"I know."


End file.
